Karan Johar

Arjun Kapoor once upon a time, you used to be fat and ugly, well done on the weight loss! You dropped those kilos faster than Deepika dropped her dating standards. In 2 States Arjun plays a punjabi boy who falls for a hot south Indian girl. So basically he plays Boney Kapoor.

When Ranveer came in front of Karan on all fours

Karan said: that's my position Ranveer'

Ashish Shakya

Parineeti Chopra is not here tonight because we told her she'd be fu%*ed by 10 dudes in front of 4,000 people. Karan Johar is here tonight because we told him he'd be fu%*ed by 10 dudes in front of 4,000 people.

Ranveer, you did an ad for Durex - it was the first time I saw a condom being endorsed by an STD

Raghu Ram

In Lootera, Ranveer digs a long, underground tunnel somewhere in Bengal. This only goes to prove that no matter how remote, dangerous or smelly; if there is a hole, Ranveer Singh will enter it.

Khamba

(On Roadies being held in the United States) Congratulations Raghu on getting the biggest bunch of assholes to enter the United States after 9/11.

Seriously Masand, stop calling yourself a journalist, every time you call yourself a journalist, ISIS beheads one. Alia in the front row has no idea what ISIS is. Alia just to clarify, some of the products in your kitchen have the ISI mark and that is different. ISIS is a terrorist organization.

You know Karan Johar is now best friends with Anurag Kashyap so that he can get him some indie cred'. It's the first time in Bollywood, someone has slept their way to the bottom. Honestly, we wanted Ranbir Kapoor for the show, but we could only manage Ranveer, which is also what Deepika did, so I guess that's fine.

Rohan Joshi

Ranveer is such a pervert, that photograph of Deepika Padukone in the Times Of India was taken by him.

Abish Mathew

Arjun, it's good you've lost weight and are now dating Sonakshi Sinha. But we know they're all rumours because you're not allowed to touch carbs.

Tanmay Bhat

Arjun your smile is so creepy, when you smile, even Shakti Kapoor checks his top button.